The other day in session, I heard a phrase that stopped me in my tracks:
“Parents are parenting their childhood instead of their children.”
It wasn’t from a book or podcast — it came directly from a client.
And what made it even more interesting is that, like many of my clients, this person is also a therapist. We often end up exchanging perspectives in a way that deepens both of our understanding of human behavior. But the way this therapist worded that truth was, in my opinion, pure genius.
If you know me, you know I love a good quote. So naturally, I started digging into the roots of this idea. What I found is that while the phrase might sound modern, the concept itself is ancient — woven through the history of psychology, philosophy, and parenting theory.
The Psychology Behind the Phrase
In psychology, there’s a long-standing idea that we unconsciously replay parts of our past in the present. When it comes to parenting, this often means acting out — or trying to correct — the experiences we had as children. Without realizing it, we may end up raising our own inner child rather than the actual child in front of us.
Carl Jung said it best:
“Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment, and especially on their children, than the unlived lives of the parents.”
“If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine whether it isn’t something we should better change in ourselves.”
Jung’s insight reminds us that what remains unresolved within us doesn’t simply fade — it gets carried forward and reenacted, especially in our closest relationships. Parenting becomes a stage where our own unmet needs, fears, and hopes are played out again.
Repeating the Past
In psychodynamic and attachment theories, this process is called repetition or reenactment — the unconscious drive to recreate familiar emotional patterns because they feel known, even when they’re unhealthy.
For example, a parent who grew up feeling unseen might become overly protective or controlling, determined that their child never feels neglected. But in doing so, they may project their own fears onto the child’s independence.
Alice Miller, in The Drama of the Gifted Child, described this perfectly. She explained how parents can unintentionally pass down emotional wounds — not because they don’t love their children, but because they haven’t yet healed their own.
The Existential Side
From a philosophical angle, thinkers like Heidegger and Sartre spoke about the tension between being shaped by the past and choosing the present. The lesson here is that while our histories influence us, they don’t have to define us.
In parenting, this means developing awareness — learning to recognize when you’re responding to your child’s needs, versus reacting from your own old pain.
Listening to Your Child’s Voice
One of the simplest ways to ensure you’re parenting your child — not your childhood — is to ask them what they want, what they love, and how you can support them.
Many parents, often with the best of intentions, say things like “I’m raising my kids better than I was raised.” And often, they are. But sometimes, without realizing it, they’re still raising themselves — trying to correct their own story through their children.
You might think, “I’m giving my kids everything I didn’t have.”
But ask yourself — is that what your kids actually need?
Children don’t need us to perfect our past through them. They need us to be fully present with them now.
A Personal Reflection
As an adult, I’m grateful to have a father who’s always there when I need him. That relationship reminds me that self-awareness is one of the greatest gifts a parent can offer.
Parenting isn’t about creating a second version of ourselves. It’s about helping a unique person discover who they are. It’s not about redemption or rewriting our past — it’s about guiding our children toward their own future.
At the end of the day, we’re not raising our children to be our possessions or our second chance.
We’re raising them to be good people — aware, kind, and emotionally free.
Final Thought
Your child doesn’t need the parent you wish you had — they need the parent who’s present now.
When we separate our past from their present, something beautiful happens:
We begin to heal not only them, but also ourselves.
Navarro Counseling 