The Overwhelming Sound of pain

Published in Oct 2022 and republished with edits Dec 2023

A personal account from Raymond Navarro LMHC MS

“I have learned now that while those who speak about one’s miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more” (C.S. Lewis). When you think of pain, do you think of it as physical or mental? Growing up, there was a constant debate about nurture versus nature. People argued their points vigorously, only to accept a few years later that there is no separation between the two. Is it the same for pain?

I have been dealing with pain for over 22 years. Each year it gets a little worse. This year, I had an episode that almost destroyed me; it put me in a very dark place. The pain itself kept me from walking or even lying down. Hunched over in a chair was the only place I could find relief. In a matter of two weeks, I probably got about six hours of sleep. My appetite was nonexistent. I couldn’t pick up my children or play with them. I couldn’t even brush my teeth or wipe my own behind. I thought life was over. I went from being on top of the world to not knowing if I’d get to hold my daughters again.

It wasn’t the physical pain that got to me; it was the mental. The lack of sleep made me paranoid. It made me think my best friends were out to get me, that my girlfriend was with me for money (I’m broke, by the way), and I was sure that I was going to get fired, which, of course, didn’t happen. I even considered ending it all. What bothered me the most was that I was attacking everyone. I literally made people cry and I’m still trying to mend relationships to this day. I told myself I deserved the pain and that God was punishing me for something I had done.

I could go on for hours about the paranoia and delusion caused by constant pain and sleep deprivation, but this is about understanding and then finding solutions. I wasn’t acting like a therapist, a father of two, a martial arts expert, an adult, or the man that I am. I was being a victim, and with good reason, but it was still my choice to sit there and suffer or get up and do something about it. But how do you step up when you feel alone and helpless?

I have friends and loved ones. Some didn’t hear about my issues until recently, but there were three who were there at the exact time I needed them, even though I kept my pain silent. They had no idea how bad the suffering was. They had no idea about the dark place I was stuck in. Somehow, on my worst day, I received a phone call. A friend called just to say hello. Later that day, a friend told me she loved me. The next day, I spent an hour and a half on the phone with a friend, and she assured me that they would always be there for me. That’s when I said I’d had enough. I would not be miserable; I would not hurt the people I love.

I put my therapist hat on and got to work. When someone is in horrific pain, it feels like someone is screaming into a speaker right into your ear, and even if the pain is muffled for a few moments, the negative self-talk creeps in to tell you how useless you are. I was aware of it, but I had never felt it. A speaker so loud that your memory is nonexistent, your ability to hear is cut in half, and you can forget normal conversations. But do you know what is louder than subconscious thoughts? Conscious ones. Every time my overthinking brain started ramping up with its BS, I didn’t just say stop (which is an actual therapeutic intervention). I would repeat the same positive affirmations over and over until the negative thoughts were completely drowned. It took one day to change my mindset. Maybe not 100%, but enough to get the ball rolling. I paid for the app Headspace for a year and got back to meditating. The next day, I started walking, getting fresh air, and letting the sun hit my face. I realized that I had suffered, but more importantly, I overcame the suffering.

I’m not a therapist because I love psychology, even though I do. I’m a therapist because I know suffering. I know what you’re feeling, and I want to help you stop it. The question is, do you? If you change nothing, then nothing will change.