The Parenting Dilemma: Should You Let Your Kids Make Mistakes or Try to Control Their Choices?

Parenting Through Guilt: Letting Go and Supporting Growth

Being a parent is hard—there’s no sugarcoating that. We face countless challenges if we want to be good parents, but today, I want to talk about the guilt that comes with watching our kids struggle. The kind of struggle I’m referring to isn’t about mental or physical health issues; it’s the everyday struggle of being alive and learning to be self-sufficient. As parents, we transition from a phase where we can control everything to protect our children, to a phase where they start making their own decisions, and we have to let go of whatever control we thought we had.

As a therapist and a father, with kids ranging from 18 to 2, I have experienced this firsthand. I’ve also worked with many young adults and parents facing this same dilemma: at some point, kids not only want to make their own choices but need to, as a way to practice for the day they eventually leave home. The frustrating part for parents is that despite our decades of life experience, our children don’t always seek our advice or even listen to it. Eventually, though, many do realize how tough life can be, and they start coming to us—especially when the things we warned them about start to happen.

But we can’t predict which path our children will take. Some kids with seemingly perfect lives make poor choices, while others from difficult circumstances make wise decisions. Where does that leave us as parents? Anxious, worried, and unsure about what else we can do. The reality is, there comes a point when we must accept that we’ve done our best to set a solid foundation. From there, we can only hope that our children will make the right choices.

The reason we set rules and consequences for our kids is to prepare them for the harshness of the world. While they may see us as strict or unfair, our boundaries are set out of love and concern. The world, on the other hand, doesn’t offer the same kindness—its rules and consequences can feel harsh and unforgiving. Yet, we often hesitate to share this reality with our kids because we don’t want to scare them or expose them to life’s difficulties too soon.

Coping with the Guilt

How do we deal with the guilt of not being able to shield our children from every struggle? The hardest but most effective approach is to accept that we don’t have as much control as we think. We need to shift from a directive role to a supportive one. This doesn’t mean we stop being parents; it means our approach has to change. There seems to be a point when our children simply stop listening—or at least not as much as they used to.

In cognitive behavioral therapy, we talk a lot about perspective, and this is a perfect example. We need to understand that we can’t force our children to follow our guidance. What we can do is transition from talking more and listening less to listening more and talking less. With my 18-year-old, I’ve taken a step back and continually remind her that I’m here if she needs me, understanding that I can no longer tell her what to do. With my 2-year-old, it’s different; I still guide her, explain why certain rules exist, and discuss the consequences of her actions.

Understanding your perspective and the dynamics within your family is crucial as you navigate this challenging phase. It’s important to communicate to your child that, whether they follow your advice or not, you will support them. Let them know that their emotions are valid, even if you don’t agree with the actions that stem from those emotions. Communication is key. Many young people worry about letting their parents down if they don’t follow their advice. We need to reassure them that even if they don’t take our advice, we’ll still be there to help them navigate the consequences of their choices.

At the end of the day, we face a choice: try to control our children, or give them the space to learn from their mistakes. What do you think? Should we continue to try to steer our kids towards what we believe is right, or should we step back and let them learn through experience? Or is there another approach that could help parents struggling with this issue?